Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Fortunate Timing

So Wednesday rolls around, and it's already been three, four days I've spent alone - something I noticed, believe me, and just allowed to gently permeate my experience. When the cut came, it hurt as usual, but being prepared definitely softened it.

I go to my classes, sigh. Look around, sort of, mostly down, mostly writing notes or elaborating on the title, little flourishes here and there. I do that when I'm thinking, I doodle on top of what I've already written, as though the emboldened lettering will somehow apply itself to my fickle conclusions. Class is dismissed, and as usual I pack up as quickly as possible to get out before Stephen is ready to leave, ready to follow me and talk as awkwardly as he knows he's talking, whilst I smoke a cigarette and he pretends not to be repelled - all for his own benefit, not for mine, and also not today. I once told him I had a girlfriend, which was true, and underhand, and worked as well as I'd hoped it would, but not for as long I'd imagined.
Jimmy and I hang out for a while. I don't remember what we do, it hardly matters though... probably played some ping pong or guitar hero. I do remember not really being into it. Not his fault... you know.
I get ready to think. "I'm gonna walk to WinCo, just something to do." Tessa glances over - "Oh, can I come?" We head out about fifteen minutes later, and it's better than thinking because it prevents me from thinking, instead time spent bullshitting, the way it ought to be. We're in the parking lot, and I'm carrying my head somewhat down, and glance up - "COLIN?!" "Holy shit!!" Apparently he's staying for five days or so.
The timing couldn't have been more fortunate. While at this point, I'm still not sure how I'm handling the separation, having one of my best friends show up like immediately afterward was perfect. Five days of good times had, now I'm wondering how I would've felt if I'd been left to languish in my own feelings.
Probably a little worse, probably never as bad as before, so definitely not too bad to handle. I think from the beginning we both knew what the end result would be, despite our futile attempts to convince ourselves (myself?) otherwise. It's something I find seems to recur, convincing myself. Hmm. Still.

Lots of thinking about whether or not college is the life for me. Got friends telling me they're of the opinion that if someone can't handle dealing with college, well that's just another sign of how weak we're breeding our people - how we're unable to just do the work we ought to do to keep living. Same kids happen to be telling me that competition is the most fulfilling thing for humans to engage in and it's simply too bad that most people suffer as a result - you know, those ones who are optimistic about the future of humanity? Those kids.
Well, then my other friends are telling me how if you don't dig college you don't really have to be here. We really only live so long, and it doesn't really matter at all - really, nothing we do matters to anyone but ourselves. So why do we stress so much about trying to be impressive?
Arguments of glory vs. satisfaction. Internal frustrations compounded with external annoyances, and that ever present buzz making me wonder what it used to be like to wonder, if it's still the same, if I used to sometimes stare at the ground for a minute or so and then realize I've not been thinking.
Woot.

Full Circle

I deleted my facebook the other day, or put it on hold or whatever. I liked the same things about it that I liked about myspace; namely, comments are fun and photo sharing is really fluid. It's proven to be equally annoying though, as where myspace had bulletins facebook has updates on everything your friends are doing. And it gives you the option to deny all requests from some people who are on your friends list - why are they on your list then?
Just the feeling that I'm spreading my faculties too thin, trying to focus on what's happening in real life and also trying to stay updated with the internet. People expect me to have looked at their photos simply because they put new ones up. What the frig? Seriously? Sorry, no, I didn't hear what happened on wednesday. My bad.
Also, I wish I didn't live in this friggin dorm anymore. It's like I'm walking around on tiptoes, nowadays, peekin into rooms and sprinting back around the corner. It's keepin me on my toes, I guess, except that, you know - I live here. This is where I live. Fuck.